Rolling in Babies

So, it's happening. A lot of those people who were pregnant are having babies. That's what they do, right? It shouldn't seem so shocking and weird to me, but it is. It feels like, just as I got used to fact that they were pregnant, just as I was okay with seeing all their baby related things, now it's not just a belly or an ultrasound, the baby is really there, in all of the pictures and cuteness that entails.

Not like that's a bad thing. After all, it's going to keep happening. All the pregnant women I know right now (A LOT) are going to have their babies. One way or another, the baby is going to come out, and so far it seems that everyone is having great luck and healthy babies. I am glad. I would never wish the sadness of losing a child on anyone, even one that was early like mine. But it is making things harder, a little. I'm not sure I can figure out why.

Perhaps it's not really the loss that I'm feeling. Dealing with that has been a lot better lately. I can say the words 'when I was pregnant' without feeling sadness or shame. It's a fact. I was pregnant. It really happened, and I wanted it to. It just so happens that I'm not anymore, but everybody already knows that.

No, it's something else. It's seeing all these babies, and already having been asked by a well-meaning co-worker (who is expecting one of his own) "When are you going to have a baby?" I did tell him about the miscarriage when it happened, but perhaps he forgot, tossing that information in the round file of his brain as people do. It really hurt my feelings though, and I don't think he realized it. I'm not angry, but he can't possibly know what I went through. I hope he and his girlfriend are very fortunate and they don't have to learn.

What's the issue though? On the one hand, I want people to know that I want to try again. I'm not against the having kids things, although I should be. Logically, I should want nothing to do with it. But I've already established that there is no logic or reason to any of this. So it's ok for them to want to know. But on the other, I did already try, and it was a failure. Things have to be started all over again, from the ground up, from the very beginning. It's a lot to wrap my brain around, saying that once again, I'm starting with nothing, trying to make something. I really don't want to be asked about it, I don't want to talk about it, and I feel like I should wear a pin or something that says 'Don't ask me about having kids unless you want me to never speak to you again.'

Maybe it's a little anxiety since I'm going home. Lots of friends and family know my situation, but not all. I dread the reality of having to explain it to people over and over again should they pester, should they ask, even if it's in a friendly, concerned way. I can only hope that they will err on the side of common sense and leave well enough alone.

Here's hoping.