A Precious Thing

So it's been a couple days since the ultrasound, and I haven't updated a thing. I've been too exhausted when I get home to do anything other than shower and sleep. Or I feel dizzy and lay down and fall asleep, and there goes my evening. This, along with all the other things I've been feeling, is heralded by my doctor as a very good sign.

And yes, Tuesday, I got the ultrasound. It was one of those things where I went into the appointment, got my exam, answered some questions, asked some questions, and then went in to lay on the table. As I stared at the screen, I suddenly realized that I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to see an empty egg sac, a dead baby, or something else tragic. I didn't want to know. It wasn't frightening, it was comforting to be able to hope for the worst and just expect things not to go well. There was no need for confirmation. I didn't want another image like the first one seared into my brain for the rest of my life.

I told my husband I didn't want to look, and he said to just look at him, but that was uncomfortable to do for more than a few seconds. Then the doctor came in with her usual energy, and the tech started the ultrasound, and I didn't have time to look away. Within seconds, there it was. I could see my pelvic bones, of course, and framed inside of them was a lump in a space. They changed the angle a little, and the lump became a curl, a bulbous head with spots, the curl of a spine, and a flicker of movement in its chest like a strobe light.

It was really a baby, and it was alive. In the right place, the right size, the right age, everything. We were just sitting there, talking about it - I think the doctor knows it's best to keep me talking so I don't get all weepy about things - and the tech was finishing up, and then she realized, we hadn't listened to the heartbeat. So back went the probe, and we heard the tiny flutter, beating almost like a bird's heart, and the doctor said that was normal too.

I can't say I really felt anything but relieved. Not really shock, or euphoric joy, or anything like that, just some serious relief that it was over. I had waited for a month and finally, I could see for myself that everything was okay. I could stop worrying about whether there was a baby inside and start worrying about said baby. We almost forgot to pick up the little printout of pictures but, since you've all been so patient...

Part of me wants to say that I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up, because I know there are a few more weeks to go before things are less likely to go wrong, but it's hard not to be hopeful. I'm sharing this picture with you today because I feel privileged to be able to see this little life, and come what may, that feeling won't change. And it is my privilege to share it with everyone else as well, because this is the first real baby picture I'll ever get to share.

So there is a positive vibe. This little thing is tough - it has survived massive caffeine consumption while I was on vacation, a plane ride to and from California, more caffeine consumption and lifting and packing of boxes, the stress of moving, and all the spicy food I was craving two weeks ago. Wish us luck, keep your fingers crossed, or whatever you feel like sending our way. In the meantime, I'm doing my best to keep in mind that the lousier I feel right now, the more likely it is the baby will stick.

Well, trying to, anyway. Bed now. Too tired to move anymore. Baby took it all.