For the past week or two, I've been feeling almost okay. Not 100%, but well enough to take on the basic challenges of life. Work, household chores, going outside to take a walk - the usual. But I find that as this experience continues, there are things in my brain are just not the same as they were. For example, I'm really having a problem with work. My job requires serving customers, which takes a lot of patience and empathy. To be honest, I am without those things right now. I have never been the most patient or empathic person in the world, but I can normally muster up some small measure of it for my day at work. This is no longer the case. I don't know if it's because of how raw my emotions still are, or the fact that this whole experience has really focused me in on myself, but I just can't stand people right now. They're exasperating.
Maybe in part it's because I feel if I can have a miscarriage and still drag myself out of bed to go to work, they, who likely do not have this problem, can conduct themselves in an orderly manner, read directions and pay attention to the world around them. I don't know why things like the card reader, which asks only a couple of questions (not 5 or 6 like at some places) is so baffling. Or why no one ever bothers to read the small print on coupons, where the answers to their questions are likely found. Or why someone held up in the express lane, who is constantly checking their watch, will then come to counter and either write a check or not be able to find their money, thus continuing to hold up the line. I don't get it. The best I can figure, at least in the current state of mind that I'm in, is that they're morons, and they need to buy what they're going to buy and get the hell out.
It's not voluntary. It really isn't. Normally, I may not have a high opinion of the human race in general, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. But the reserve of patience and reason that I call on in such situations just isn't there anymore. It's like it has been obliterated out of my brain and I have no idea where it went. Maybe because of everything that's happened, my body is running on instinct, which tells me that someone acting inappropriately needs to be smacked over the head with a stick to get their attention, not treated kindly and respectfully. In the past, I even used visualizations and relaxation techniques to help me with my work stress, but those don't work anymore. The only thing that helps me feel less stressed is not to be there.
What does this really mean? Do I really need to take a couple weeks off? A month? What would I even do with that time? I find that these days, I really do enjoy my own company quite a bit. Spending time with a few select friends or chatting on the phone is nice, but when I'm alone, there are no demands on my energy. I don't have to think of things to say, I don't have to change out of my pajamas, I just get up when I want to and wander around. The day moves at the pace I want, and I can relax and be comfortable. I may even take an extra nap in the afternoon. I crave a lot of sleep these days, and I tend think that rest is the most therapeutic exercise that is available to me by far.
The best thing I can say about understanding what's happening to me now is that it's like my conscious mind is inside out. Everything that's been bothering me is now readily available to be experienced or observed whether I like it or not. It's true - when these emotions are happening, I feel like I'm watching myself from another angle and reeling from the intensity. I don't know how long this is going to last, or what further issues need to be addressed to help me move along. All I know is that one of these days, I'm going to walk away from my position at work without asking permission or getting someone to relieve me. They will page me to the front and then physically seek me out when I don't answer. When I am finally found, and asked by the management exactly why I left my post, I will most likely reply that it's not worth my job or my freedom to have an altercation over coupons.
No comments:
Post a Comment