Things to Remember

I keep remembering I had a dream when I was pregnant. I'll forget for a while, and then it'll come back to me at weird moments.

I dreamed I was having a miscarriage. No pain, only a splotch of blood. No panic, no fear, just the knowledge that I knew I wasn't going to have a baby this time.

It might have happened more than once, but I clearly recall one particular instance. The dream flickered on and off in my consciousness for a couple of days, and then I finally spoke the words out loud. Jeremy and I were in bed, and I looked at him and said, "I dreamed I had a miscarriage."

He said immediately, "Well, you shouldn't dream that." He may have put a hand protectively on my stomach at that point, a habit that was beginning to annoy me.

The dream didn't bother me at that point. I shrugged. "I haven't had any caffeine, so I should be fine." And we left it at that.

Somehow, I don't find the thought of that dream prophetic, at least in a way that states somehow, someway, some other being or consciousness was telling me about what was going to happen. I think my body already knew what was happening, and in a way, maybe, so did I.

I had not yet fully accepted the possibility. I didn't have feelings about what my baby would look like, or a desire to start buying cute little clothes. It was like I was reserving judgement until I had enough data to confirm that I was indeed really having a baby. It was still so surreal. That is possibly the only reason I've really been able to function in any respect. There are still sad moments for me, and my emotions are still very raw, but as each day passes, that moment of grief becomes more and more distant.

And I find ways to express it that are tangible, that memorialize the event. I bought a necklace, a little heart locket with clear panels in it. It came with 12 tiny simulated stones, a birthstone for every month, that could be placed loose inside the heart. The peridot for August represents my due date. Since my husband is also born in August, I used Zodiac stones for us instead - a yellow tourmaline for Leo and a garnet for Aries. When I wear it, what it really says to me is 'here's our family, our whole family'. Whenever and if ever there is another addition, I will simply add that stone as well. Our family will be complete, if only inside the walls of that necklace.